It's Called Parts Work Susan, Look it Up

Working through the various creative blocks that arise from time to time has been one of my foremost endeavors over the last five years. They’ve taken on many forms, but essentially they are usually composed of various exiled aspects of me, that are in need of conscious attention and integration. These are clusters of energy that show up on a multitude of levels within the body/mind. They’re psychological but also somatic and energetic. These psycho - somatic - energetic clusters would be referred to as complexes in Jungian psychology. In parts work they’re simply called parts.

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Have you ever found yourself dating your own shadow? 10 outta 10 for growth potential, highly recommend. lols

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Anyway, so this week I found myself wanting to check out, run away, avoid, shut down….and when I felt into this a little deeper it felt like this part of me wanted to party. My old self would have almost immediately gone through the ritualistic party girl routine of planning, getting all dressed up in my sexy AF styled out party girl costume and seeking out some sort of all night dance party with various substances on tap, so that I could let this part of me out.

This party girl, who is she really? I wondered…..

I allowed myself to feel into this a littler more deeply without reaching for those habitual mechanisms. I realized I was angry, feeling oppressed, pressured, pent up, trapped even. And underneath all of this, underneath the part of me that was on the verge of a literal tantrum, a forced dissociative episode, an explosive substance induced “letting off of steam”, there was this intense desire for play. An intense desire of the freedom to be completely self expressed with abandon.

I mean essentially the party ritual was one of artistic expression to some degree, at least the way I did it. Style they call it. My party style was an authentic extension of my inner being. And one I put a lot of effort into.

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See I used to have to use substances, particularly alcohol, but others as well, to access the energy of this part. I used to have to shut down my frontal cortex almost entirely for her to feel safe enough - free enough to come out and play.

This part is the comedian, the rebel, the outspoken, uncensored - I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks of me, aspect. She’s funny, she’s always honest, painfully blunt, even a little mean. She is also playful, charismatic, magnetic, energetically contagious…..almost always a little too rowdy.

What I realized this week is that I’m finally ready, after one year of sobriety, to consciously harness this internal energy, this complex, this part, this compartmentalized cluster of psychosomatic energy, toward my creative path.

I realized that when this aspect is exiled, unconscious, or cut off for too long, she shows up as the saboteur. The more repressed she is, the meaner she gets too. The more out of control she is when she finally breaks free.

On top of that, usually leading up to that moment where the pressure of it gets so painful that I dissociate, my creative work becomes lifeless, dry, and no matter how intelligent it is, it feels uninspired to me.

It’s the cliche writer’s block, the energy for it literally withdraws into the darkness in an almost uncontrollable fashion. I can still write and post but it just doesn’t feel alive for me. The information is there but it’s drained of all spark.

This part of me says what the fuck is the point if it’s not fun? I am totally disinterested.

So here I am on this journey of integrating this aspect. Without alcohol. Without dissociation and self abandonment. Without harming myself or others.

I think some part of me believes that the path I’m on, as a teacher, healer, coach whatever, doesn’t fit with this other aspect. I mean I don’t believe this consciously, but at some level I am still compartmentalized at least some of the time in this way.

Once I realized that this part was attempting to come forth using old habitual mechanisms, it wasn’t very difficult to then access the energy and harness it toward my creative endeavors this morning. I just needed to feel into it, accept it for what it is, appreciate it and then channel it forward. There were many layers of feeling to digest though, before accessing the playful energy at its core.

I notice comedy really helps me with this.

So the task at hand is to integrate my inner comedian - rebel, into my more serious endeavors, without completely sabotaging them.

I am longing to integrate more instinct into my creative expression. This is a big one, this part of me acts on instinct, speaks from instinct, and this scares the shit out of me at times. There is no self censoring or worrying about hurting people’s feelings, or being misunderstood when instinct is the driver.

And let’s be honest, this part of me, when out of control can be kind of an asshole. That’s why I spend so much energy repressing it I guess. But what’s clear to me now is that if it becomes more integrated and less substance induced, it will be more in balance with my heart and mind.

I’m mostly just happy that I’ve found the energy for my work again, after only a couple days of pissy sulking lol

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What does you inner saboteur(s) look and feel like? Or what parts of yourself do you find most difficult to accept and integrate?