Dethroning the Inner Tyrant
Developing Creative Agency through Psychosomatic Integration of the Inner Child - Inner Critic Aspects
“Inspiration may be a form of super consciousness, or perhaps of subconscious, I wouldn’t know, but I am sure it is the antithesis of self consciousness.”
~ Aaron Copeland
When the mature part of the brain that is meant to be a conscious, healthy, adult disciplinarian that provides structure - the frontal cortex responsible for executive function, is dominated by a looming unconscious force - a harsh, over critical authoritarian, then it’s easy to get caught up in a tug of war - a battle for agency if you will, between this part and the inner child who rebels through resistance.
My sense is that executive dysfunction, as in the case of ADHD, has a lot more to do with this type of internal discordant dynamic and the subtle nervous system signaling underlying it, than an actual chemical imbalance. Although the two do seem to go hand in hand.
There is often a subtle conversation going on between various exiled aspects of self, composed of subconscious mental-emotional attitudes, and even physiological sensations. One of the most profound conversations of this kind that I’ve become aware of in myself, is of that between the inner child and the inner critic.
It had become abundantly clear to me at some point along my creative journey, that the constant subconscious onslaught of my inner critic’s antics was the source of my creative resistance. I realized that if I could penetrate into this aspect of my psyche, and integrate its contents into conscious awareness, this constant wall of resistance would likely dissolve.
My inner child would be free from the grips of the critic, but not necessarily running the show. Up until this point, I would often oscillate between these two dominant, warring forces for agency.
The child would spend quite a bit of time at the helm because she was the gateway to my creative impulse, however, if she was feeling pressured by the critic, my creative energy would suddenly switch off. She would resist the inner critic by rebelling against anything that was out of aligment with my genuine authenticity. If she sensed any sort of pressure to hustle for her value or worth in a way that was out of alignment, she would shut my creative impulse down and attempt to go into an avoidance loop behaviorally.
This is a very subtle physiological pattern, a freeze response in the nervous system if you will. The inner child in me had her finger on the trigger of a very real, survival-based, shutdown mechanism in my nervous system wiring - and a hair trigger it was. I liken it to what people struggling with ADHD paralasys due to overwhelm describe.
The difficulty is in learning to identify when and why we are getting overwhelmed and then making the appropriate adjustments long before the paralysis takes hold. This can be challenging, because the sensations that are the cues for the accumulation of this nervous system overwhelm can be extremely subtle in the beginning, and a lot of these internal dynamics are largely outside of our conscious view. In addition, the inner critic is a form of self directed anger - an inverted fight response that feeds into this nervous system pattern of overwhelm and habitual shutdown, but this can also be repressed and largely out of view at first.
My inner child aspect is a great compass for creative authenticity, however she also has no discipline whatsoever. This is where I started to see how my executive function was impaired and why my addicitive tendencies arose to begin with. Not only was I participating in an unconscious tug of war between these exiled apsects fighting for agency, but I was struggling with repressed anger that drove my habitual avoidance mechanisms unconsciously. I couldn’t trust the internalized parental aspect of me, so I allowed the inner child caught in survival mode, to make bad choices through unhealthy coping mechanisms, because I had developed limited resource otherwise.
In the book ’Healing Your Emotional Self’, by Barbara Engel, Barbara goes into detail about what she calls the “inner saboteur” - a progressed inner critic aspect that forms a pattern of self sabotage in cahoots with the inner child aspect. I found it a helpful window into some of what was going on for me internally - how this dynamic with its attached behavioral patterns had wired itself through the reward centers of my brain, resulting in the addictive behaviors that revolved around various dissociation and avoidance patterns.
I drank for many years just to shut my inner critic up and unleash the repressed parts of my personaility that were trapped underneath it somewhere deep inside. I learned to override the opressive inhibition dominating my frontal cortex that was driven by the internalized voice of past parental abuse.
People with this pattern tend to have addictive personalities. We use alcohol, drugs, caffeine, or various other substances because these substances help free us from this internal dynamic. They give us some semblence of empowerment over this inner tyrant. They give us relief where there is immense pressure, and motivation where there is dysfunction. They serve as an external regulation mechanism for a deeply disregulated internal system. At least for a time, until the whole process usually degardes into a much worse condition than when we started, as these substances continue to compromise the communication networks between the frontal cortex and the survival brain, locking us into a survival loop - impairing conscious cognitive processing, much like the original trauma did that created this pattern to begin with.
Nevertheless, it’s an important reminder on the path to recovery, that those of us that are self avoidant are not avoiding ourselves per say, we’re using dissociation as a necessary protection mechanism from the intense emotional pain and immense psychic pressure of this internalized abusive aspect of self - which is actually a false program. We’re doing the very best we can in navigating a deeply disregulated nervous system, faulty wiring that was passed down to us by caregivers who had faulty wiring. For us, avoidance often becomes the only rest we get from a lifetime of living in survival mode, prisoners of our own bodies, we repeat this program out of necessity rather than pleasure.
I do not believe however, that one is inextricably bound to these programs, and while it is extremely challenging at times to rewire such an all encompassing shit storm of deeply ingrained habit patterns, it is possible with consistent effort.
So the inner critic sits on its tyrant throne looming over the frontal cortex and the inner child at the control center of the survival brain. These two unconscious aspects, the abusive parent and wounded child at odds, need to be nurtured forth into a conscious conversation. The corresponding parts of the nervous system need to be regulated and in coherence for balanced - consistent - creative flow.
The key is to harmonize these aspects, over time dethroning the tyrant - the exaggerated inner critic - the abusive parent, from the executive position and replacing it with a benevolent leader that is a more loving, encouraging, disciplined motivator - one rooted in present moment awareness most importantly. Inviting the inner child safely out of hiding to play freely within these nurturing boundaries. Inviting her into the present moment to be healed.
This is a psychosomatic process of reparenting through integration.
This will not happen however until we understand that this inner critic was actually here to protect us all along, however misguided it has been.
When my father took away my right to say no and fight back, my anger, that was meant to be directed out at him for violating my boundaries as an innate instinct for self protection, became directed inward at myself. Not only did I invert my own anger, but I blamed myself for his anger. I actually formed my personality around complex dispositions of self-blame. I had to in order to earn the approval necessary to stay safe in that environment. It was a brilliant adaptation within that context.
This self blame is the essence of the “inner critic”, that keeps so many of us in line and “out of trouble”, even late into adulthood. What started out as a protective bunker becomes a prison - a torture chamber for the creative brilliance expressed through spontaneity and play of the inner child. Part of reclaiming this innocence is to reclaim his/her “right to say no”. This is partly why she shuts down so often, she never had that right as a child. It becomes important to honor this right in the beginning - nurturing a compassionate, understanding conversation with her even when she needs to hit the emergency survival switch and withdraw for a time.
In those of us where this anger of the internalized inner critic has become self directed yet remains largely unconscious, it can feel like an immense psychic pressure, depression, lethargy, weight or heaviness. These psychic states often have undercurrents of trapped rage at the powerlessness one felt in the face of boundary violation.
One practice that can be very helpful in bringing the voice of the critic into conscious view is the mirroring exercise, also in the book, ‘Healing Your Emotional Self’, by Beverly Engel. In the beginning, when the voice or narrative of the critic is not yet clear, it comes over as more of a heavy depression, a fog in the consciousness, a psychic pressure so to speak. It can be a challenge to put your finger on just why you feel so heavy, depressed, lethargic, cut off, or blocked. Feeling into and getting curious about this somewhat ambiguous psychic state can lead to more clarity in bringing the barely audible critical self talk into focus. The mirroring exercise helps bring this inner hidden dynamic out into the light of day.
Once you’re in touch with this dynamic it can be helpful as well to switch the direction of the anger and allow youself to direct it back at the critic, or the original programmer of this inner ciritc. I’ve often had this conversation out loud in my own space.
As this conversation becomes more conscious psychologically, we begin to thaw out the freeze state in the nervous system enough for the underlying energy to begin flowing, we can start to become aware of intense agitation trapped in the body.
Over time, it becomes necessary to work with the trapped energy of anger more directly as to where it is stored in the body and transform it - channel it as raw life force energy. Learning to harness healthy aggression is tantamount to the process of turning a self directed, self destructive rage and making it work for us - harnessing it as raw fuel for creative momentum.
As an adjunct to meditation and intuitive breathing, one practice I have found helpful in this act of harnessing, is a very simple technique I learned through a nervous system regulation and capacity building course with Irene Lyon. What you do is get a hand towel and roll it up tightly, grip it on both ends with hands twisting in opposing directions. While tapping into the feeling in the body, twist the towel. This gives a direct connection between the sensation in the body and an action that harnesses and directs the energy of this sensation in a healthy way. Be sure to stay connected to and follow the breath in alignment with the sensation, to truly access the power of this practice.
There are many ways that this pattern can manifest physiologcally, as well as through the inner circuitry of the subte body. There are networks of pooled energy in the subtle circuitry within the fascia that can be worked with directly by tracking internal sensation and directing energy with intuitive breathing.
There are very subtle mechanisms for self regulation that can be brought under conscious control, through working with the internal sensation that arises out of the subtle shifting currents of the nervous and energy systems in the body. This subtle sensation is often paired with the largely subconscious psychological conversation that takes place between these two parts. I had to get real curious about this whole dynamic without blaming myself further for its apparent dysfunctional state. I found myself nurturing a conscious conversation of this variety that was composed of their stories as well as underlying sensations and subtle nervous system cues. That survival switch that the inner child holds can be accessed and worked with in this way.
Learning basic nervous system regulation tools first, helps to provide stability within the feeling of overwhelming anxiety that is often shrouding this pattern from conscious view. Then it becomes natural to pull back this veil - deepen into all the nooks and crannies of what is really taking place on a deeper level psychosomatically and manage your internal process more consciously.
Some of us have to raise our creative selves up from a very young age - as they get trapped inside, stunted and traumatized. This entire pattern can all be tied into an agonizing sense of existential angst that goes all the way back to the womb. This is why it’s imperative to work directly with the nervous system - regulating, expanding capacity and resilience - so one can meet this angst with a stable presence of body-mind and allow this trapped energy to flow safely.
The inner critic can be rewired - transformed into an encouraging, healthy, compassionate, benevolent, structure providing leader. Safety can be provided for the inner child so that he/she can be free to express creatively without having to rebel - resist - or retreat into her safe space. Harmony can be acheived within this volatile internal discord.
As this dynamic is welcomed into conscious awareness - worked with through patience and self compassion - as the underlying nervous system imbalances are addressed, the associated avoidance, dissociation, paralysis, and executive dysfunction often experienced with conditions like ADHD, will begin to shift into a more manageable, functional, coherent experience.
The creative act can become untethered entirely from the limits and constrictions of this internal discord. Out of this harmony arises true agency in which creativity becomes an experience of timeless flow rather than one of coerced, time-bound force-fullness.
True agency through an integrated harmony between all exiled aspects of self, will nurture absolute freedom to flow, with our uninhibited, authentic, creative impulse - completely liberated from any false programming.